IF AOL WERE A CITY

[Devin Ashley]

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were hot 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna ######?"

- Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."

- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"

- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

- Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's ###### fault.

- The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.

- Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the ###### out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, dickface. ROFLMAO LOL!!"

- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the swings and beating the ###### out of kids currently playing there.

##Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDAMN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

- Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

[Eisaac]

If Microsoft made cars:

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.

6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.

8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.