Guest Votive Posted July 29, 2002 Share Posted July 29, 2002 If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 5 cent deposit, you would have $107.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldoran Nobleheart Posted July 29, 2002 Share Posted July 29, 2002 FACTS OF LIFE Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. On the other hand, you have different fingers. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Honk if you love peace and quiet. You know what’s bad? When you fall UP the stairs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldoran Nobleheart Posted July 29, 2002 Share Posted July 29, 2002 oh i love muffins If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? What's another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldoran Nobleheart Posted July 29, 2002 Share Posted July 29, 2002 A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saite Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump." The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump." "Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts. "You're on!!" says the brunette. After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news." The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ludaan dArias Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 What do you call 4 blondes in a volkswagon? Farfromthinkin. What do you call 4 different blonde drives that arrive at a 4 way stop at the same time? An eternity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saite Posted August 13, 2002 Share Posted August 13, 2002 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldoran Nobleheart Posted August 15, 2002 Share Posted August 15, 2002 What do you call a deer without any eyes? Noidear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Votive Posted August 15, 2002 Share Posted August 15, 2002 What do you call a deer with no eyes and no balls? Nof'nidea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Votive Posted August 15, 2002 Share Posted August 15, 2002 What do you call a deer with no eyes, no balls and no legs? Still nof'nidea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saite Posted August 15, 2002 Share Posted August 15, 2002 "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye...I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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