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Unique Solutions (Ashenvale Outpost pt. 2) - by Rhoach

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2004-07-08 23:14:00

The battle had reached a fevered pitch, the sound of bloodthirsty orc warcries and ululating elf chants filling the air, the clash of weapons and the screams of the dying completing the symphony of carnage on the battlefield. Rhoach ignored it all as he continued his climb to the top of the watchtower. Scarcely seven feet from the top, Rhoach heard a sort of whistling sound subtly reaching his ears over the regular sounds of battle. "What's that...?" Rhoach wondered aloud, pausing in his climb to look around. Suddenly, something smashed into the top of the watch tower, bringing with it an almost unbearable heat and a blinding flash, causing Rhoach to grit his teeth and look away. With both of his arms wrapped around the scaffolding, Rhoach felt the watch tower rock and shudder. Eventually, the structure stabilized, and Rhoach was able to look up and survey the damage. The protective basket at the top of tower and the trolls contained inside it were totally gone. Rhoach blinked. Magework. The need to urinate was more urgent than ever.

Rhoach chattered his teeth a few times (a habit he had developed to calm himself down), shrugged, and began to unbundle a spear from the pack he had managed to hold on to during the blast. As he did so, he squinted across the battlefield, taking a more careful look at the elven army they were facing. We can't take these numbers... Rhoach thought. And that mountain giant quickly approaching the entrance to the fort looked none too friendly as well... A plan of escape began to form in his mind. As he was thinking, an arrow whizzed by his face, causing him to reflexively jerk back, bringing him back the present as quickly as he had drifted off. Growling, he finished loosening the tie on the bundle and hefted the spear in his right hand. Grabbing on to the scaffolding with his left, he leaned far out to the right, took aim at an elven swordsman, and threw. He saw the spear pierce the elf's stomach. The elf clutched his abdomen and was lost in the shuffle of combatants.

Grinning to himself in satisfaction, Rhoach pulled another spear from the bundle and repeated the process. Hey, this battle isn't turning out to be so bad, Rhoach thought to himself as he downed elf after elf. Close, easy targets without much risk... hey! An arrow thunked into the scaffolding. Apparently, an elven archer had seen Rhoach's antics and decided to put an end to this nuisance. Rhoach was forced to duck behind the poles of the scaffolding when he wasn't throwing spears, and he had to throw quickly. This was making him miss most of his targets and waste his dwindling supply of spears. What was worse, the mountain giant had reached the front lines, and was making its way towards Uglutz and the clan shamans who were a short distance from the watch tower Rhoach was currently in. As if THAT weren't bad enough, the need to pee had reached a new high and was making Rhoach constantly squeeze his legs together to avoid embarassment in addition to death.

"Now what..." Rhoach muttered, throwing another spear and managing to wing another elf. Before he could duck back behind the thicker sections of the scaffolding, the pesky elven archer hit his mark. An arrow jutted out of Rhoach's right thigh quicker than he could comprehend its coming. He hissed in pain and stumbled, barely managing to hold onto his few remaining spears and keep his balance. Another arrow zoomed by. This one, by sheer chance or by an elf's cruel sense of humor, caught the string on Rhoach's loincloth, effectively piercing it and ripping it off of him, and shooting it past the watchtower into the nearby fort walls with a dull THUNK.

Rhoach snarled slowly and wondered what he had done to offend the gods so. It wasn't enough that he was going to die, now he was going to die naked. The thought of elves trampling over his naked body made his exotic skin burn with anger. Poking his head out from behind cover, Rhoach narrowed his eyes, looking for that treehugging, weakblooded, maddening elven archer who took away his mobility and loincloth with well-placed arrows. There! Rhoach picked him out among the middle ranks of the elven army. When the elf observed Rhoach's nakedness, it grinned and nocked another arrow, apparently planning to finish the job. Rhoach's snarl contorted his entire face as he locked his eyes on the target and threw his last spear with all his strength. It flew across the battlefield, reaching an enormous height at its arc. Plunging down onto the battlefield, it pierced the elf's pelvis, shattering its hip and pinning it to the ground.

Rhoach, his eyes on the progress of the spear, did not even see or feel the elf's last shot until he had watched the elf fall with grim satisfaction. Looking down at himself, he saw another arrow, this one sticking out of his knee. Rhoach bent it experimentally, then howled with pain, his leg buckling. The world swam before his eyes for a few seconds, making him throw his arms around the scaffolding to avoid falling. "Hm, better not do that again," he breathed to himself, grinning ruefully. At that moment, Rhoach felt the ground begin to shake. Uh-oh... he thought. Looking down, he saw that the mountain giant had reached the clan shamans who were chanting below him.

Standing well over fourteen feet tall, the giant was less than five feet below Rhoach's ankles on the scaffolding. Rhoach saw the giant raise its club to dispatch the group of shamans in one fell swoop before they could finish their chanting. Before it could squash them, Rhoach saw an orcish clan member, Glok'tur, charge into the area. Glok'tur let out a battle cry, raised double axes, and threw them at the giant. They stuck into the giant's shins. The giant roared, fumbling with its club and staggering around. Momentarily, it had recovered itself, however, and faced its new opponent with the axes still embedded in its shins. Watching the scene, Rhoach saw the brave orc looking left and right for a new weapon as the giant closed in on him. Rhoach reached for a spear, then realized that he had thrown his last one at that pesky elf, and scimitars were worthless for throwing... What to do... what to do... Rhoach thought fervently, as the giant had almost reached Glok'tur.

Maybe it was the stress of the battle. Maybe it was Rhoach's mischevious mind at work. Maybe it was his nakedness. Whatever the cause, Rhoach had an idea. Grinning to himself, and thanking his foster father for being able to speak some of the alliance language, Rhoach shouted, "Overgrown dwarf! Up here!" as he threw the bundle of thick spear tie at the giant's head. The giant heard an insult and felt something bounce off the top of its head. Glancing up in irritation, the giant let out a rumbling cry of fury as thick, greenish liquid cascaded down into its eyes. Rhoach was hanging onto the scaffolding with one hand and directing the 'assault' with the other. The giant dropped its club and staggered blindly around, groping for some kind of handhold. Its eyes burned as if acid had been poured in it, troll piss being even more vile than the usual fare.

Rhoach laughed, giddy with success, loss of blood, and the brilliant afterglow of just having taken a long-needed piss. He even took his hand off of the scaffolding to point at the giant. It was at this moment that he tumbled off the scaffolding, his leg finally being able to take no more, buckling at the knee. Rhoach laughed all the way to the ground until he made impact in front of Glok'tur, sending up a huge cloud of dust and losing consciousness.

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